Saturday, August 20, 2005


So many things...

Life is full of joys, and full of toys...I want to work out more, and I want an Ipod to do it with.

I'm not sure anymore which begets the other, whether I want to workout more and so I need the Ipod, or whether I want the Ipod and so I need to workout more to justify buying one. With so many expenses in my life right now I definitely can't just go and buy one, not without first suffering over it and considering a million factors, tossing and turning a couple of sleepless nights, comparing prices and poring over the sales sheets...then going out and buying the first one I see. Either way, knowing myself the way I do, it's already a given that I'm going to buy one. But established procedures must be observed. Whatever.

Just thought I'd drop by and try my hand at this again briefly...see if I can summon up the courage to go back to posting on a steady basis. I want to see if I can do this without feeling sorry for myself, and begging for sympathy. That's really what made me quit doing it in the first place.

But here I am, and thank you for coming by.

Friday, April 01, 2005

...anybody still there...???

There are reasons why our lives get so complicated, I'm sure. As much as I fail to subscribe to most religious notions, part of me does believe in karma. Karma, as one type of energy that contributes to the ruling of our lives. Things that happen to me now, surely must be payment for some of the atrocious things I did in my youth. I hate to imagine what might yet be in store.

Nevertheless, I've vowed to keep trucking. I hate to disappoint those who eagerly await my demise, but I have no intention of letting life knock me on my ass. Not permanently, anyway.

I won't be telling you what the latest developments in my ongoing saga have been. Suffice it to say that they've been plentiful, relentless, and damned near overwhelming. But thankfully, both my daughter and myself are in good health, so the obstacles in my path are not insurmountable.

I apologize to all of you who've graciously and caringly written me, inquired about our well-being and uniformly showed your unfettered support. I've received your messages and gratefully read each one. If I did not respond, it was because I've been doing what I could to disconnect myself from everyone and everything. As thoughtless as it may be to do that without warning or explanation, I still hope that you might gaze upon me with sympathetic eyes and accept my humble apology.


That's it.

For now.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

And the blows keep coming...!!!!!

Click here for mood music

Just found out my company will be closing up within the month. When it rains it pours, don't it?

I suppose it's just as well. One of those blessings in disguise people talk about. My job had become stagnant and there was no room to grow. This is probably the push I needed to find something else. And hopefully closer to home.

The problem is that I know I won't be able to find anything that pays as well as this job does, which is the main reason why I haven't left yet, and I have a hard time covering my current expenses already.

But I have a few weeks before I'm on the street. Hopefully I'll be able to find something worthwhile before then.

So I'm going home tonight to work on my resume (I hate dealing with that damned thing!). I'll have to concentrate on tightening up expenses even more. I'd be feeling a little bit more optimistic about things if my car wasn't at the shop right now getting a $500 brake job done on it!

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

A special day for Christina

It was at 10:32 AM, five years ago today. After some agonizing moments (for her and for everybody near her!) Cindy was finally enjoying the effects of her epidural. She was all smiles. She pushed the baby out during only her second set of contractions. I was barely hanging in there, convinced something would go wrong at the last second. Our friend was filming the entire thing. You wouldn't believe the look on my face. The strain was such that afterwards we noticed my belly button had popped out. I didn't think much of it at the time, but when my doctor saw it six months later he discovered an umbilical hernia. Go figure. I've attributed it to sympathy pains.

We had picked her name out beforehand, we just needed to make sure she was a girl. She was a tiny little thing, weighing in at just under 5 pounds. As they cleaned her up, I gaped at her disbelievingly.

I had pictured our baby as a perfect creature. A gorgeous little cherub with porcelain features; with fair skin and golden locks of hair. I was not at all prepared for what she turned out to be. I could never, in all my days, have imagined anything more beautiful! I felt my heartbeat join hers, and I knew at that moment that my life had been altered beyond measure, and that I would spend the rest of my life ensuring her well being.

It's been five years, and I would not trade one second of it for anything in the world.

Happy Birthday, baby!

Her first bottle!

Six month old portrait

We used to call her Chunky Monkey!

My five year old Angel!!!

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Cactus Showdown

Click here for mood music

Well past the main road, over dozens of moss covered stone walls and ascending the mountain, I climbed eagerly on horseback, emulating the moves and moods suggested by countless western films. I felt like a cowboy, there alone in the barren fields of Boyaca, where the depth of green horizons lay forever distant in the faded mountain range beyond us.

Crossing the large adobe portals with cracked and fallen clay tiles, rich with the wear of time and downtrodden by the careless weight of abandonment, I sensed a calm alike no other. We stepped cautiously through the creek, my horse and I, carefully placing her shoeless hooves on the shiny stones that were visible through the clear cascading water. Once past it, we stopped briefly for a drink.

I ventured into the open field I'd sought, slowly building up to a full gallop. My hat blew off and hung to my throat by its cord, snapping my head back uncomfortably. I always wondered how the real cow hands managed to keep their hats on.

I saw the patch of cacti I was after in the distance, and rode toward it.

The tall cacti towered over me and the many varied rocks they grew around. They branched out into multi-armed monsters, and formed horribly misshaped yet beautifully random patterns that only the genius of nature could devise.

I dismounted, tied my horse to a tree and silently approached them. My hand went to the sheathed machete hanging from my belt as I looked around me suspiciously, and I gingerly made my way up from the smallest rocks.

I wasn't seeing cactus then. No, I was facing the bad guys and they meant to do me harm. Before allowing them to strike first, I quickly unsheathed my dull machete and speared one of them. Water came flying out. No. Not water. Blood. I was spilling the blood of the men who meant to kill me. I chopped the head off another! Spinning, I sliced in all directions, carving the poor bastards to shreds, stabbing one, decapitating the other, cutting their limbs off one by one.

As I wiped down my weapon, I caught the sight of my brother riding up to join me. I quickly got off the rocks and untied my horse.

"What'cha doin'?" he asked me, eyeing the piles of destroyed cacti I was leaving behind.

"Nothing," I said, climbing my horse and beginning to head back downhill. "Just looking for some higos." Higos are the fruit bore to these cacti.

The sun was beating down now, making the paltry dry grass on the ground seem ablaze.

"You want to go swimming in the river later? After lunch?" I asked.

My brother just stared ahead, ignoring me. He was two years my senior, and nearly a teenager. Too cool to hang out with the likes of me.

"Mick, Mick, the great cactus killer," he sang.

"Shut up!" I shouted. "You don't know nothin'!"

We rode along in silence.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

A New Year

When I began this blog I had clear objectives: practice my writing, dig into my memory for tales from the past to tell, and receive objective criticism. Ever since the fall of my marriage, those objectives have been forgotten.

I never meant to display my emotions in such a raw fashion, exposing my naked heart for all to see. But it was satisfying. It was enjoyable. I don't tend to speak so extensively of my personal affairs in person, so getting sympathy from fellow bloggers was a new thing, and very pleasant. It became a crutch, in fact, and encouraged me to keep spilling my guts out in a desperate (and pathetic!) attempt to squeeze out some more sympathy.

But when I went back and read what I wrote, well, it bored me to tears. I mean, who gives a shit? If you want to hear about this kind of stuff, there are plenty of soap operas to pick from. And I'm sure they make my puny little problems seem insignificant by comparison.

The main problem I have with what I've been doing is this: I don't want to make a sob story out of my life. I have too much to do to waste any more time feeling sorry for myself. I've had it!

So that's it. I don't intend to speak of my failed marriage any further. However, everything that occurred during said marriage is now fair game, so I hope to feel inspired sometime to provide you with interesting anecdotes. Hopefully this will assist me in finding some kind of closure.

Stay tuned, please. I'm not done with this blog yet. My life consists of a helluva lot more than one failed relationship.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Santa pictures!

Well, it wasn't easy. But I managed to race to daycare after work, haul Christina off to the hair salon for a quick haircut, run home to take out the dogs, feed us, bathe Christina and dress her up, drive out to the mall through holiday traffic, park a mile away from where we needed to be, and stand in line for 45 minutes to get her picture taken with Santa. Pheeew! In the end I was happiest with these three pictures I took of her myself with my digital camera. I posted the $24 portrait they sold me on my photolog, accessible through the sidebar.

Merry Christmas, everybody!!!

I'm thinking Audrey Hepburn when she was five?

Asking Santa for...everything!!!

Gotta love this guy!!!