Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Some nights I'll toss and turn, in a seemingly endless worry marathon, wondering why me? Why all the things that "happen to me" happen to me.
Everything that can go wrong with a house already has. As low as I secured the interest rate on my home loan, you'd think I could relax. But no, between the property taxes and the insurance my mortgage payments keep going up. When I begin to barely get by, along comes some other problem . There's simply no way to get a break, it seems.
Yet somehow we get by. Insurmountable obstacles are overcome, and we look at them bemusedly in retrospect. As if through one of nature's tricks they've become smaller now that they've been bested. But every foe looks unbeatable when you're weary and sick of the constant struggle. It would be so easy to give in and give up on the dream.
The driving force behind it all is...I'm not sure. I've forgotten. Perhaps the underlying hope of a more restful or wealthier future. I don't know...I do know I can't figure out how to put anything away for tomorrow. My retirement looks to be an unattainable goal. I'm so preoccupied with the present that the future is no longer a consideration. And this incessant whining keeps going on in my head. Even though I don't want to be the victim, and though rationally I know I'm not, at times I can't help but feel like one. Just a victim of misfortune.
I know I'm luckier than most. I've a healthy and loving family, where others don't. But I'm also well aware of so many others who strike oil at every turn.

Saturday, March 06, 2004


What's in a smile?
Something so powerful that it has the ability to dissipate your worries and help you forget all your troubles.
A smile from a child or a pretty girl can take you away from your bad mood and send you reeling to a calmer, gentler place where kindness is the norm, rather than the exception.
A smile from a loved one helps you believe that your existence is pleasant to them; that your efforts in making their life better are in some way succeeding. In an instant a smile from your spouse can make all your struggles and all the hard work we put into a relationship seem worthwhile. Sometimes just that smile is enough reward for our love.
A smile from a stranger takes you aback and makes you suspicious of their intent. You wonder why anybody would simply smile your way, for no apparent reason.
Yet there are days when we're subconsciously happy ourselves. For no particular reason at all, or when something good has happened: we're in love, or we just got a raise, or our children were born. Take your pick. Weren't we smiling fools on those days? Didn't we feel on those days like the world was a better place and life was worth living?
I'd like to know what the trick is to feeling that way on a daily basis. To not letting the minor things in life like money, traffic and the weather control our moods. I'm certain there must be a way to do it without having to romance Prozac or one of her cousins.
Wow! I can't believe it's been so long since I posted anything.
I've been busy, but still...well anyway, I'm back now. I'll think of something to write about soon.