Awareness
How to be objective about such subjective awareness as that
which surrounds me? Rhetorical.
Are you aware? Do you see and understand every movement,
every action and its nuances, every tiny little ripple in the pond you inhabit?
Are you capable of viewing the world around you with impartial, critical eyes?
I find myself wondering, silently most of the time, about
every single thing that happens in my sphere and how it affects me. My reactions
are swift and drastic. Excessive at times. Most of the time. But they’re kept
to myself in nearly every case. I don’t put them out there. I don’t let anybody
hear the words (cuss words, mostly) that spew out of my mouth in silent
missiles that always fail to reach their targets. I just keep a nasty look on
my face.
Yet every word spoken, every movement made, and every action
taken by others leaves a mark on me. I am affected by every breath other people
take. I can’t help it. I don’t mean for it to be that way. I don’t like it that
way. I wish I was impervious to what everybody does, says, eats…I’d rather not
care about what happens around me.
As a general rule, my life is unaffected by others. What they
say or do is outside the scope of what upsets my stride. Yet I dwell on it,
mentally. I rage internally about every car that cuts me off; every coworker
who trashes the office kitchen; every person blocking the sidewalk, oblivious to those of us trying
to walk or run by; every person speaking on their phone in public – on speaker –
convinced the world around them should be listening in on their conversation.
The list is endless. Everybody bothers me. Even those I love.
How do you combat this? I find myself doing everything I can to avoid confronting
them, but that doesn’t hide the way I feel. It’s obvious to all who share my
space. There’s something terribly wrong with me. I’m always pissed. I don’t
tell them there’s a problem, or how they can fix it. I just wallow in my bad
mood and let my issues fester. Surely there must be a healthier way to deal
with this, you’re telling yourself. You need to speak out, let them know what
bothers you. Right. I agree, in essence. However, I find it very hard – next to
impossible – to complain about matters that I feel boil down to character deficiencies.
Yes. I think other people’s characters are terribly weak. And
I realize this is very conceited of me. I know it is. But I can’t help it. It is
not something gathered through an emotional epiphany. It is not an answer
submitted by others, intent on conditioning me to see things in a certain way. I
think the way I do, and I am convinced in the rationale used to arrive at this
conclusion. For example, drivers who don’t use turn signals. I would divide
those bastards into two separate groups:
1. People who don’t understand how turn signals
work or are too stupid to see why they matter.
2. People who understand how to use them, see why they
matter, yet still, refuse to use them because
a. They
feel they're above the law
b. They can’t
be bothered to take the time needed to click the handle
c. They’re
assholes (same as all of the above)
Which one are you?
Sure, there are those who will be the perpetrator’s advocate
and submit that none of us know what battles other people are going through,
insisting that that would most likely explain why most people do those annoying
things that break with the social contract we all sign when becoming members of
society (okay, so we don’t actually sign it, but it should be clearly
understood).
So, I’m stuck in my mindset, day in and day out, trying to
keep my head together through this exacerbating awareness of those around me. Not
an easy task. “Ignore them,” some would say. “Why do you let them get to you? You
should be bigger than that!” Well, apparently, I’m not. But I am aware that it
is a problem. For me, not for others. It probably explains my permanent stomach
ache.
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