MIXBAG OF MUSINGS

Years have come and gone, and the yearning for accomplishment – now considerably less urgent than before – continues to pulsate through my veins. Though it was once the carrot that kept me chasing, age dissipates such goals somewhat and leaves us dreaming of more mundane objectives, like comfort, retirement, and security. In youth, I embraced every challenge energetically. No mountain was too high, no river too deep. I fancied myself eternal and life plum full of opportunities. There were no limits to my talents and possibilities. It was only a matter of applying myself to any given task. But with so many roads to take, I found myself stalling and reaching for experiences that might enlighten and educate me. The road taken was a detour, in the end, leading me through a myriad of twists and turns until I found myself exhausted and eager for tranquility. By then my best days were behind me, spent on living, as opposed to achieving. We never do recover the time we leave beh...

How to be objective about such subjective awareness as that which surrounds me? Rhetorical. Are you aware? Do you see and understand every movement, every action and its nuances, every tiny little ripple in the pond you inhabit? Are you capable of viewing the world around you with impartial, critical eyes? I find myself wondering, silently most of the time, about every single thing that happens in my sphere and how it affects me. My reactions are swift and drastic. Excessive at times. Most of the time. But they’re kept to myself in nearly every case. I don’t put them out there. I don’t let anybody hear the words (cuss words, mostly) that spew out of my mouth in silent missiles that always fail to reach their targets. I just keep a nasty look on my face. Yet every word spoken, every movement made, and every action taken by others leaves a mark on me. I am affected by every breath other people take. I can’t help it. I don’t mean for it to be that way. I don’t like it tha...