MIXBAG OF MUSINGS

So many things... Life is full of joys, and full of toys...I want to work out more, and I want an Ipod to do it with. I'm not sure anymore which begets the other, whether I want to workout more and so I need the Ipod, or whether I want the Ipod and so I need to workout more to justify buying one. With so many expenses in my life right now I definitely can't just go and buy one, not without first suffering over it and considering a million factors, tossing and turning a couple of sleepless nights, comparing prices and poring over the sales sheets...then going out and buying the first one I see. Either way, knowing myself the way I do, it's already a given that I'm going to buy one. But established procedures must be observed. Whatever. Just thought I'd drop by and try my hand at this again briefly...see if I can summon up the courage to go back to posting on a steady basis. I want to see if I can do this without feeling sorry for myself, and begging for sympathy. Tha...

There are reasons why our lives get so complicated, I'm sure. As much as I fail to subscribe to most religious notions, part of me does believe in karma. Karma, as one type of energy that contributes to the ruling of our lives. Things that happen to me now, surely must be payment for some of the atrocious things I did in my youth. I hate to imagine what might yet be in store. Nevertheless, I've vowed to keep trucking. I hate to disappoint those who eagerly await my demise, but I have no intention of letting life knock me on my ass. Not permanently, anyway. I won't be telling you what the latest developments in my ongoing saga have been. Suffice it to say that they've been plentiful, relentless, and damned near overwhelming. But thankfully, both my daughter and myself are in good health, so the obstacles in my path are not insurmountable. I apologize to all of you who've graciously and caringly written me, inquired about our well-being and uniformly showed your unfet...

Click here for mood music Just found out my company will be closing up within the month. When it rains it pours, don't it? I suppose it's just as well. One of those blessings in disguise people talk about. My job had become stagnant and there was no room to grow. This is probably the push I needed to find something else. And hopefully closer to home. The problem is that I know I won't be able to find anything that pays as well as this job does, which is the main reason why I haven't left yet, and I have a hard time covering my current expenses already. But I have a few weeks before I'm on the street. Hopefully I'll be able to find something worthwhile before then. So I'm going home tonight to work on my resume (I hate dealing with that damned thing!). I'll have to concentrate on tightening up expenses even more. I'd be feeling a little bit more optimistic about things if my car wasn't at the shop right now getting a $500 brake job...

It was at 10:32 AM, five years ago today. After some agonizing moments (for her and for everybody near her!) Cindy was finally enjoying the effects of her epidural. She was all smiles. She pushed the baby out during only her second set of contractions. I was barely hanging in there, convinced something would go wrong at the last second. Our friend was filming the entire thing. You wouldn't believe the look on my face. The strain was such that afterwards we noticed my belly button had popped out. I didn't think much of it at the time, but when my doctor saw it six months later he discovered an umbilical hernia. Go figure. I've attributed it to sympathy pains. We had picked her name out beforehand, we just needed to make sure she was a girl. She was a tiny little thing, weighing in at just under 5 pounds. As they cleaned her up, I gaped at her disbelievingly. I had pictured our baby as a perfect creature. A gorgeous little cherub with porcelain features; with fair skin ...

Click here for mood music Well past the main road, over dozens of moss covered stone walls and ascending the mountain, I climbed eagerly on horseback, emulating the moves and moods suggested by countless western films. I felt like a cowboy, there alone in the barren fields of Boyaca, where the depth of green horizons lay forever distant in the faded mountain range beyond us. Crossing the large adobe portals with cracked and fallen clay tiles, rich with the wear of time and downtrodden by the careless weight of abandonment, I sensed a calm alike no other. We stepped cautiously through the creek, my horse and I, carefully placing her shoeless hooves on the shiny stones that were visible through the clear cascading water. Once past it, we stopped briefly for a drink. I ventured into the open field I'd sought, slowly building up to a full gallop. My hat blew off and hung to my throat by its cord, snapping my head back uncomfortably. I always wondered how the real cow hands ma...

When I began this blog I had clear objectives: practice my writing, dig into my memory for tales from the past to tell, and receive objective criticism. Ever since the fall of my marriage, those objectives have been forgotten. I never meant to display my emotions in such a raw fashion, exposing my naked heart for all to see. But it was satisfying. It was enjoyable. I don't tend to speak so extensively of my personal affairs in person, so getting sympathy from fellow bloggers was a new thing, and very pleasant. It became a crutch, in fact, and encouraged me to keep spilling my guts out in a desperate (and pathetic!) attempt to squeeze out some more sympathy. But when I went back and read what I wrote, well, it bored me to tears. I mean, who gives a shit? If you want to hear about this kind of stuff, there are plenty of soap operas to pick from. And I'm sure they make my puny little problems seem insignificant by comparison. The main problem I have with what I've b...