Awareness

How to be objective about such subjective awareness as that which surrounds me? Rhetorical.

Are you aware? Do you see and understand every movement, every action and its nuances, every tiny little ripple in the pond you inhabit? Are you capable of viewing the world around you with impartial, critical eyes?

I find myself wondering, silently most of the time, about every single thing that happens in my sphere and how it affects me. My reactions are swift and drastic. Excessive at times. Most of the time. But they’re kept to myself in nearly every case. I don’t put them out there. I don’t let anybody hear the words (cuss words, mostly) that spew out of my mouth in silent missiles that always fail to reach their targets. I just keep a nasty look on my face.

Yet every word spoken, every movement made, and every action taken by others leaves a mark on me. I am affected by every breath other people take. I can’t help it. I don’t mean for it to be that way. I don’t like it that way. I wish I was impervious to what everybody does, says, eats…I’d rather not care about what happens around me.

As a general rule, my life is unaffected by others. What they say or do is outside the scope of what upsets my stride. Yet I dwell on it, mentally. I rage internally about every car that cuts me off; every coworker who trashes the office kitchen; every person blocking the sidewalk, oblivious to those of us trying to walk or run by; every person speaking on their phone in public – on speaker – convinced the world around them should be listening in on their conversation.

The list is endless. Everybody bothers me. Even those I love. How do you combat this? I find myself doing everything I can to avoid confronting them, but that doesn’t hide the way I feel. It’s obvious to all who share my space. There’s something terribly wrong with me. I’m always pissed. I don’t tell them there’s a problem, or how they can fix it. I just wallow in my bad mood and let my issues fester. Surely there must be a healthier way to deal with this, you’re telling yourself. You need to speak out, let them know what bothers you. Right. I agree, in essence. However, I find it very hard – next to impossible – to complain about matters that I feel boil down to character deficiencies.

Yes. I think other people’s characters are terribly weak. And I realize this is very conceited of me. I know it is. But I can’t help it. It is not something gathered through an emotional epiphany. It is not an answer submitted by others, intent on conditioning me to see things in a certain way. I think the way I do, and I am convinced in the rationale used to arrive at this conclusion. For example, drivers who don’t use turn signals. I would divide those bastards into two separate groups: 

1. People who don’t understand how turn signals work or are too stupid to see why they matter.

2. People who understand how to use them, see why they matter, yet still, refuse to use them because

            a. They feel they're above the law

            b. They can’t be bothered to take the time needed to click the handle

            c. They’re assholes (same as all of the above)

Which one are you?

Sure, there are those who will be the perpetrator’s advocate and submit that none of us know what battles other people are going through, insisting that that would most likely explain why most people do those annoying things that break with the social contract we all sign when becoming members of society (okay, so we don’t actually sign it, but it should be clearly understood).

So, I’m stuck in my mindset, day in and day out, trying to keep my head together through this exacerbating awareness of those around me. Not an easy task. “Ignore them,” some would say. “Why do you let them get to you? You should be bigger than that!” Well, apparently, I’m not. But I am aware that it is a problem. For me, not for others. It probably explains my permanent stomach ache.