Friday, November 19, 2004

It's another day...

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I get up earlier every morning now, trying to pack more activities into
each day. There's more to do, and I've only myself to get it done.

Once showered, I begin to wake my daughter up. I turn on the TV and put on
cartoons, trying to get her attention. I shave. I wake her up again. It's a
slow process. She can't understand why she has to get up and get dressed
before sunrise. It may as well be the middle of the night.

I get dressed and nag at Christina to put her clothes on. We pick her
clothes out the day before, because she's so damn picky. Even so, she takes
forever.

Meanwhile, I let the dogs out. I set up Fluke's kennel cage, clean it up a
little and add fresh food and water. I ended up buying the cage two weeks
ago, when he ate half my couch after we were gone for only three hours.
It's too hot to leave him outside. The cage has worked wonders. He even
walks in voluntarily when I call him over. It's nice not to have my home
destroyed while I'm gone. He should be done with it in a couple of weeks.

Rocky takes his medicine. I fix Christina some breakfast and take out the
trash.

By this point I'm always running behind. No matter how much more time I
give myself. I start up the car to let it warm up.

I feed Christina myself, to hurry things up. She brushes her teeth. I fill
up Rocky's dishes with fresh food and water and hand both dogs some new chews.

The dirty dishes go in the sink to be washed in the evening. I leave a
light on and the TV on ESPN so the mutts have some kind of distraction.
Then we run out to the car and head out to the Day care center. We try to
make it there by 7am.

Not quite a routine yet, though I'm trying to make it one. I'm doing what I
can to be an efficient, self-sufficient single parent. I don't pay any mind
to the reality of my situation or the pain in the pit of my stomach.

See, she's left me. And though I'm ready for her departure, I can't just
stop loving her. I can fill my daily life chock full of activities, and
bury myself in work so as not to have a free second to give her any
thought, but I can't keep her out of my mind entirely. I don't want her
with me anymore, but it's hard to accept that she's no longer a part of me.

I have to take down her pictures I lay all our wedding photos face down but
when she comes around during the day she stands them back up Christina will
want some of them in her bedroom Cindy why do you keep coming by what's the
deal why isn't all your stuff outta here must you linger do you think you
can have it both ways try it out with someone else and if it doesn't work
come back home I don't think so I don't want you back you can't have your
cake and eat it too quit eating my groceries don't wash my clothes don't do
the dishes I'll take care of it here's the title to your car you pay for
the transfer your insurance expires next month I don't care what you do I
signed it off right there it's your problem you want me to haul your stuff
off somewhere I can bag it and put it in the attic anywhere just get it out of
my sight I'm trying to move on I'm trying to get my life back on track I
don't want you popping in and out of my life I'm not begging you to come
back can't you see that I'm ready to move on I want my privacy I'm not over
at your place barging in all the time let me have my space I don't want to
be reminded of you I'm taking the pictures down why'd you have to fuck up my life

Breakups are never easy.

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